The Looks They Give, The Words They Say

    

The Looks They Give, The Words They Say

  

  I am a stutterer. I have had this distinguishing characteristic since I could speak. It is not something I can conceal; I may be able to fool the listener, make them think I am nervous, but at some point the truth is revealed. My speech patterns are choppy, consisting of an irregular cadence and pauses, the listener concluding that I "made an accident." There was no accident, I simply said what I wanted to say. 

    I am a people watcher, I closely observe people and how they act within their environments. Their body language, speech patterns, quirky things they say or voice. I especially watch people when I am talking to them, I look at every facial expression, the lift of their eyebrows, the awkward smile, the shift of their eyes away from mine as I stutter. I notice the confusion and awkwardness on their face that they try so very hard to conceal. I find it amusing how while I am trying to conceal my stutter, they are trying to conceal their external emotions. We are two beings trying to make a connection, while concealing parts of ourselves. How ironic. 

    The faces people give; I have given it a title "The Face." Every stutterer knows "The Face." I can tell when someone feels uncomfortable when they are talking to me, this normally consists of their eyes shifting away from me, as they do not know how to act, how to proceed with the conversation. I can tell when someone thinks I am intellectually incapable, they smile and talk in a higher pitch (baby talk), they talk down to me, in hopes this will make the conversation more engaging. It is interesting how the people that want to understand and that have the most questions, treat me like a regular person. I do not get the face, they keep eye contact, I am treated just like everyone else, just given more time to speak. They will later proceed to ask me questions about my stutter, wanting to truly understand.

The listener often thinks they are catering the conversation to help the stutterer, but in reality, they are dong it to make themselves more comfortable. 

    I recently went to a scholarship event, where networking with other scholars and scholar alumni was the  focal point. My friend and I would socialize, the main questions being "what is your name" and "what is your major." prefacing this, I stutter on my name every time, and trying to not stutter on the word psychology is impossible - I stuttered, every single time I was asked. The stuttering did not throw me off, as I know that I stutter, it was expected. But, the remarks that were exchanged were familiar but foreign. Remarks from "It's ok if you don't know" (I said my major and stuttered... I fully know my major) and "that took you a long time for you to say" (I was saying my name). The experience was familiar, I have lived this before, but I thought I was exempt from this experience at this conference. My stuttering advocacy work was headlined on the "new scholars page," I made the mistake of not advertising my stutter. 

    My friend Jaymi was there for all of these interactions; during the initial remark, she was confused why someone would say that. I had to tell her that they assumed I was "confused" because I stuttered. I will never forget Jaymi's face, she was flabbergasted. She continued to witness the things people would say. She explained it as a "micro aggression" and how "they do not even know they are doing it, but it still sucks." Jaymi is 100% correct,  the things people say, the looks they give, they have no idea that they are even doing it, causing harm to the stutterer. 

    This is why voicing that you stutter is important, society is not knowledgable about stuttering - what stuttering is and the ways it presents itself.

    The looks people give and the words they say do not depict who you are. These actions are done out of an unconscious need to feel comfortable in an unknown experience. Even after advertising, these actions may persist, as you may be the first stutterer the listener has spoken to. Be the one to teach them, and maybe the next stutterer they talk to will feel that acceptance. 

You are more than the looks they give and the words they say. 

Kya Leptrone