The Stuttering Game

   

 I know society as a whole is self-conscious, constantly wondering what others think of them. "Am I attractive enough?" "Am I good enough?" "Do they like me?" People will do everything and anything they can control to be perceived in a desirable image. The key word being control. 

    Myself being a 17 year old girl, grew up being told if I want to see a difference I need to take control. To make a difference, you have to take it into your own hands, control your own success, do everything possible, and most importantly use your voice. But what do I do if my voice is broken? Nobody told me how to handle the looks people give, the degrading comments, and the loneliness. The loneliness and brokenness that stemmed from the laughs, the "did you forget your name," the "you got this, don't be nervous." I wasn't nervous, I was stuck and all people did was stare and give looks. I did not have control. I viewed myself as broken; I believe many others would if they could not mask the things that make them the most vulnerable. 

    When I stutter, it creates a sense of loneliness, my own breath is holding me captive. In an attempt to beat my stutter, I created my own little tricks. Instead of stuttering, I would use phrases such as "like" or "um" to build that momentum to escape that dreaded moment of stuttering. At the time, I thought this was successful but little did I know my stutter was affecting my vocabulary and how I articulated myself. I had not beaten the game, but instead gave it more opportunities to isolate me. I felt this way for a long time, especially throughout my middle school years. I felt tolerated, not actually listened to. Many people know the feeling of isolation, but they do not understand the extent of it in regard to stuttering. Verbal communication is constantly used in day-to-day life, and when a person who stutters communicates, they are constantly reminded of their speech and nevertheless the judgment received from others. The feeling of being misplaced, a burden to the conversation, the lack of control. Feeling broken. 

    I took back control. The only way to beat it is to take away the power you allow your stutter to hold over you. One way I have done this is not through speech modification techniques but through advocacy. My speech techniques allow me to modify my stutter, not get rid of it. My advocacy is what gives me the confidence to look past judgment. By informing people about my stutter, it gives me back that control. I get to define what is broken. Instead of society claiming my voice is broken, I am able to claim people as judgmental. 12-year-old me believed she did not have a voice. She was timid and felt like her broken breath was the dictator of her life. 5 years later, I have taken my speech into my own hands. I beat the game. I did not beat it by curing my stutter or simply hiding it; but by taking the power away from it. I took back my words and acknowledged a sense of self-worth I longed for. I owe it to my younger self. And you owe it to yourself.